Aragorn's private diary
by Oddwen Floddball
Summary: The diary of Aragorn. Yes, I know it's been done before. But this is different. NO REFERENCES TO THE VSD'S AND NO SLASH!!! YAY!!! Mostly book events, and spoilers for later chapters. There's only one word to describe it: STUPID. :D
1. FotR

Ok, another diary. Hey look on the bright side, it's not another "Three crazy girls drop into Middle-earth and fall in love!" story. This takes place with the movie characters, with book dates and events. Major spoilers in the later chapters for those who haven't read the books. I have had to improvise, and I hereby name October 2nd as Second Breakfast day! Woohoo!  
Years 3009-3017  
Gandalf has me chasing some slimy lizard. I told him if I ruin my complexion I'm gonna eat him. Yummy.  
  
Year 3017  
Caught slimy lizard. It bites. I can't eat it, because of my strict Ranger diet.   
  
June 29  
Gandalf tells me to go to Bree to look for some Fordo Bags and something about a ring, or something. Who does he think he is telling the future king of the world what to do?  
  
Sep 29  
At Bree. All I see is a pale hobbit, a fat hobbit, a hungry hobbit, and the other hobbit. Stupid. The pale one put on the Ring. Very stupid. Had to get them out of there. What will anyone do without good old Aragorn to save them?  
  
Oct 2  
If that stupid hungry hobbit mentions one more word about food I'm going to get very mad. On the other hand, the other hobbits seem to treat him as a pack animal. Clever. I shall have to impliment this new piece of knowledge soon.  
  
Oct 3  
Hungry hobbit starting to look very tasty. Must-lose-weight...  
  
Oct 18  
Stupid Glorfindel thinks pale hobbit can be saved. Why? Stupid Nazgžl gave him a little poke with an eency weency sword, for crying out loud! I would never be overcome by a little scratch.   
Hunger, maybe. Scratches, no.  
  
Oct 23  
Stupid Elrond healed pale sickly hobbit. Didn't help his appearance any. Either of them.   
  
Oct 25  
Stupid council. Don't know why it has to be outside, it's gonna ruin my complexion. Stupid elves stupid dwarves and stupid men. Several stupid people want to go with pale hobbit. I'll go, why not. As hungry hobbit says, they could use some intelligence. And Elrond is starting to give me that "we need to talk" look. Or maybe that's his "die Mistur Andurson die" look. They're all the same.  
  
Dec 25  
Stupid Elrond making us leave on Yuleday. And on top of that, he didn't give us any presents! I mean c'mon, at least in Lothl—rien they give you gifts if you leave! Or maybe that was just me? Going with me are stupid Gandalf, pale, hungry, fat and other hobbits, some hairy dude, a blonde elf, and a dude from Gondor. Oh well. At least they've got me, I'll make up for everything they lack.  
  
Jan 11, 12  
Stupid cold mountain. I'm gonna get frostbite and my nose is gonna fall off. That'll show 'em. Stupid pale hobbit fell down the mountain, and I was forced to touch it. Squishy, eew. Very unappetizing.  
  
Jan 13, 14  
Moria. Dark. Stupid.  
  
Jan 15  
Yipee! Stupid Gandalf fell! At last I'm the leader of this stupid expedition! Decided to go to Lorien just to flaunt my superiority before Arwen's stupid grandparents. Gondorman doesn't like this. Stupid balky inferiors.  
Later...  
Stupid Haldir jumped out at us. Startled me a little bit. I almost lost it and screamed before my thralls. He always did enjoy jumping out at people. We're going to Caras Galadhon to visit Galadriel and Celeborn.  
  
Jan 17  
Well, that went well. No screaming fits this time. Perhaps they've come to terms with the fact that I am going to be their new grandson-in-law. Or they've found out my true lineage and are going to try to rule through me. Ha! Stupid elves. Talked to Gondorman earlier. What a nutcase. Hearing voices. Stay away in future.  
  
Feb 14   
Hey, the pale hobbit is sneaking off with the fat hobbit and Galadriel. Stupid. She leads people off, and they're never heard of again. Didn't pale hobbit ever hear of F'anor?  
  
Feb 16  
Well, apparently the stupid elves have remembered who I am, and have sent us off. Y'know the elven way isn't so bad in one aspect at least: Y'get some free grub, and they give you gifts just for staying. Either that or for leaving. Stupid. I wonder if it is just me? No, it can't be.  
Pale hobbit got some glowing thing. Hairydude got hair? He doesn't need anymore, c'mon stupid Galadriel! Fat hobbit got rope. I'll have to tie him up with it. Hey, I'm the leader of this company and all I get is some stupid knife and stupider advice? At least my knife's bigger than hungry hobbit and that other hobbit. Gondorman didn't get nothing. I think he wants pale hobbit's glowy thing, 'cuz he keeps following him.  
  
Feb 22  
Stupid boats. I get stuck with the pale hobbit and the fat hobbit, and I have to do all the work. Stupid arrangement. Should have put all hobbits in one boat and sent 'em down Rauros. Stupid Galadriel and her seating arrangements.  
  
Feb 26  
Stupid orcs everywhere. It must have been Blondie. He's jealous of my rugged hansome looks. Gondorman died. He kept blabbing, so I rattled off some stupid junk I read in a book. It shut him up, at least. Orcs captured hungry hobbit and other hobbit. Stupid orcs. Hairydude and Blondie want to go after him. Why not? Let me just loot Gondorman's body and we'll get going. 


	2. TTT

Chapter two. Well, half liked the first, half didn't. Hopefully Pippin's diary will be more liked...and I certainly hope for Gandalfs (written by Pookie!). Major book spoilers. Enjoy!  
Feb 27  
Well, we sent Gondorman's body over the waterfall. Stupid, but it was better than eating him. Or was it? We're in the land of the horse guys. I hope they don't sneak up on us.   
  
Feb 30  
Met Horseguy today. Stupid. He wanted to kill Hairydude, but like a fool I stopped him. Stupid me. Blondie is really fast with that bow. I'll have to remember that. I asked Horseguy if he saw hobbits, but he said he was so busy killing that he couldn't see. That'd explain the three riderless horses, I guess.  
  
Mar 1  
Tracked the hobbits as far as Fangorn. There we met stupid Gandalf. Turns out he came back. Something about unfinished business. I dunno. I wasn't listening. Then he decides to LEAD us to Edoras! It's my birthday today and what do I get? A present, a song, a few words? No! I get demoted to follower! Stupid wizard.   
  
Mar 2  
Stupid Gandalf. He takes us to Edoras, and completely ignores me! Even my warnings about leaving our weapons at the door, how stupid is that? Anyway, apparently one of the bad guys, I don't know which the names are too similar, sent this Wormdude to be a spy and Kingman was sick of it. I dunno. Anyway, Gandalf heals him, Wormdude leaves, Horseguy gets thrown back up from the dungeon, and we're going to some place called Helm's Deep for war. Stupid.  
  
Mar 3  
At stupid Helm's Deep. Battle going on. The dwarf disappeared. Wish the elf would. I'm hiding, just about to make a last stand. Stupid Gandalf left. Maybe we could have had a chance with a wizard, but nooooo he had to go deal with one of those S-guys. At least it's morning, maybe I'll get to see the elf die.  
  
Mar 4  
Well, we didn't die after all. We won, amazingly enough. Gandalf brought trees. And I don't mean that he planted them, I mean they came on thier own. How wierd is that? We're going to Isengard to deal with the S-guy. Stupid Gandalf.  
  
Mar 5  
At Isengard. Met up with hungry hobbit and other hobbit again. Still stupid. S-guy's stick broke. Big deal. Hungry hobbit keeps talking to Hairydude. Other hobbit is sulking. Apparently they were found by giant trees. I wasn't listening. Stupid Gandalf is talking with trees and Kingman. I dunno.  
Later...  
Hungry hobbit in trouble. He looked into the shiny glass palantir thing. Gandalf is giving it to me now, says it's something of Isildurs. Woopee. At least he and stupid hungry hobbit are leaving. It's about time, if you ask me. 


	3. RotKAppendixes

Here we are, final chapter. In another couple of days I'll post Pippin's diary.  
To "Me", how does it not sound right? Saruman's staff was broken by Gandalf.  
Enjoy!  
Mar 6  
About 30 of my cousins caught up with me. I don't know what they would have done to me if there hadn't been people there. I wonder if I can persuade Blondie and Hairydude to stick close for the next few days...  
Later...  
Going to the stupid paths of the dead. Stupid Elladan and Elrohir said that Elrond and Arwen said something about the paths of some dead guys. I dunno, I wasn't listening. I guess they meant the Paths of the Dead. Great, my entire future family is ganging up on me. Hairydude and Blondie are coming, at least I'll be safe from my stupid cousins.  
  
Mar 7  
Came to Dunharrow. Dark, spooky, stupid. You know the drill. Anyway, Blondie and Hairydude didn't know about the Paths, so I told them a ghost story. I think the dwarf believed it. You should see his face! It's dark in there...  
  
Mar 8  
Well, this isn't so bad! Hairydude's scared out of his wits. My story didn't even phase Blondie. It's started to spook me now, though. The stupid torches just went out. Stupid dark. I keep falling down. It's hard to run in the dark.  
Later...  
It's night, and I just made a truce with the dead. At a big rock. Stupid ancestors. Why a rock? Anyway. I unfurled that bedsheet that Arwen sent me. The dead shut up. It must be really bad. She drools, Elrond says. I'm scared to look at it.  
  
Mar 9  
Well, after a lousy night's sleep, we started on our stupid way to Gondor. It's starting to get dark early. That's strange, it's spring. The days should be getting longer?  
  
Mar 13  
We've been riding for days. A bunch of stupid boring things happened. I dunno. I wasn't paying attention. There's a bunch of ships ahead. Stupid, stupid, it's dark, I've never been so bored in all my life. Stupid.  
  
Mar 15  
Well, we sailed up the Anduin blah blah blah, we won the war blah blah blah, Arwen's bedsheet wasn't that bad after all. I mean, she hardly drooled at all! I wish she would stop sending me her dirty laundry, though.  
  
Early morning Mar 16  
Hoo boy, someone saw me coming! Seems like everyone's got a case of the Black Breath! And with only three leaves of athelas to last the whole night, someone doesn't like me. It must be stupid Gandalf. Off to sleep now, I'm going cross eyed. Stupid Nazgžl.  
Later...  
Stupid Gandalf tried to take the spotlight from me again. Ha! I showed him. Now we're going to go to the Black Gate. I wonder if being out of the spotlight is such a bad thing after all.  
  
Mar 18  
We're off. Stupid Gandalf insists I take the lead. Horseguys and more Gondormen are coming with me, I guess. Hairydude, Blondie and the hungry hobbit. Did I mention? Other hobbit killed witch king with Horseguy's sister. Huh. I could have done that, without some deformed midget or woman. All by myself. Oh, and Denethor burnt himself to death. Stupid, I warned him about playing with matches. That might be why he persuaded his dad to send me to Umbar. Sure death my foot.  
  
Mar 23  
Sent weak inferior mortals away. They were making me sick with their whining. No one was paying enough attention to me. Some thumbed their noses at me. Stupid thralls.  
  
Mar 24  
If I only wasn't king, I could be away with the weak inferior mortals. Oh well. We're camped in front of Mordor. Stupid. Someone forgot the decent sleeping bags.   
  
Mar 25  
Ok, now Gandalf has reached the pinnacle of stupidness. He's sent me, Hairydude, Blondie, hungry hobbit, Horseguy, himself and some other stupids to the gate, unprotected to meet with some stupid appendage. Oh, there he is. The Mouth, he calls himself. Cool horse, though. He just pulled out some shiny coat and a sword. Stupid everyone seem distressed. Oh, apparently they belonged to pale hobbit. What, Sauron wants us to give up our lands, our weapons, our lives, huh? Hey, he wants us to rebuild Isengard? WORK? NEVER! I'LL DIE FIRST! Take that stupid Mouth!  
Later...  
Um, ok, I may have made a faux pas there. No, stupid Gandalf did. He took the shiny coat and the sword from the Mouth. Hmm, trumpets. And...orcs.  
Uh oh.  
Later...  
Serious uh oh.  
Later...  
What?  
  
Apr 8  
Having a celebration. I'm finally going to be king. Pale hobbit and fat hobbit are sitting next to me. I dunno. I wasn't listening. Apparently they destroyed a ring, or something. Big deal.  
  
May 1  
Yes! Finally I am king! Now stupid inferior mortals shall fear my wrath! Ha!  
  
1 Lithe  
Arwen finally gets here. It's late. I hope I can stay awake for the cake...  
  
Mid-Year's Day  
Nope. Fell asleep. Oh well. I'm king, I can do whatever I want. I'll eat it for breakfast tomorrow.  
  
Jul 15  
Pale hobbit wants to go home. I didn't know he was still here. Who let him in? Are fat, hungry and other hobbits still here as well? Stupid servants.  
  
Jul 19  
Going to bury Kingman. I guess he was killed by the witch king. I found him the other day when I was walking. Gave me quite a start. I yelled at the servants for letting a dead guy lay around for days, months even. That explains the smell. Stupid Gandalf must have done it.  
  
Aug 10  
Kingman's funeral. Boring. Stupid. The cake was good, though.  
  
Aug 22  
Ha ha, bye-bye inferior mortals! Now I rule the world and you shall do my bidding for the rest of your days! Ha ha ha!! Stupid Gandalf, if I ever set eyes on you again it'll be a million years too soon. Stupid.  
  
Year 1427  
Stupid hobbit lands made free this year. I don't want any more to do with them. What the heck, I'll give 'em some fancy title to shut them up and keep them out of MY palace.  
  
Year 1434  
Apparently hungry hobbit is king of the Shire. I'll demote him to put him in his place. Give 'em some more fancy titles, they aren't nearly shut up yet.  
  
Year 1436  
Gone as close to the Shire as I ever dared. Yuck. Had to, though. Have to keep up stupid relations, y'know. Stupid fat hobbit brought his stupid fat family. Hungry hobbit is still hungry. I'm leaving. Now. Yech, had to give fat hobbit something shiny to shut him up. His fat daughter is quite taken with Arwen. What the heck, I'll make it one of her handslaves. With a fancy name, of course.  
  
Year 1442  
Stupid fat hobbit won't leave me alone. Brought his entire fat family to MY palace. Huh. Hope they like sleeping in boxes in alleys.  
  
Year 1484  
Hungry hobbit and other hobbit come here to die. Why me? Are they going to lie about for months too? I think I'm scarred for life.  
  
Year 1541, Feb 30  
I can't take it anymore. Dead people lying all around, fat hobbits haunting the corners of my eye, and above all stupid Gandalf floating. I'm losing my mind, that's what's happening. I've got to do something...  
  
Mar 1  
Oh my Aragorn, I didn't know your life was so...tragic! Well, you're dead now, so you won't mind me reading your diary so much. BEDSHEET? I labor for years for you, and you call my magnum opus a bedsheet? I do not drool! Ooh to see Daddy just once more! Well, I'm heartbroken, so I have to go spend the last year of my life pining and brooding after the elvish way. But the streamers and balloons everywhere are not condusive to brooding. I'm leaving stupid Gondor. Oh great, 120 years spent with you and now I'm starting to sound like you. I'm definitely leaving.  
-The Queen Mum, Arwen.  
Yech, that sounds like I'm an old fogey!   
-The Queen Arwen  
Much better. Stupid old age. 


End file.
